THE UTILITY DANCE!

Okay. I know. You are saying to yourself "Has she finally lost it?" Maybe.

So... the Sellers of the house we are buying here have been SO very kind. They are lovely people and have provided tons of information, names and phone numbers of service providers, just everything we need to get things up & running smoothly. Now, if only the process working with those providers was as smooth as getting the information!!

This morning I began calling the utility companies to get services set up for May 1st. Here are my (very condensed) experiences with each. (Skip to the end if you aren't ready for dripping sarcasm!)

1) Natural Gas. Call the toll-free number. Get a young lady who asks for name, service address, then Social Security number. Ask her why she needs Social? They run credit. Apparently if one is "credit-worthy", one can avoid some unnamed deposit. I am apparently credit-worthy and service will be in my name on May 1st. Of course, there will be a $31 service fee on the first bill. Wonder what that is for? Well, at least it's not a deposit!! Thank you. (Gee, that was pretty simple! Hope the rest go so well!)

2) Electric. Call the toll-free number. Get a young lady asking for name, service address, and Social who also inquired if I had had service with them previously. No. I figure they check credit, also, so provide Social. She then describes the first bill which will contain a $100 deposit plus a $20 connection fee (wonder what the hell they will actually connect?). Surprised, I mention the Gas Company did not require a deposit after running my credit. Oh... they don't run credit at the electric company. Well then... what the HELL did you need my Social for? Oh... they check their database to see if I have had previous service with them. Well then... why the HELL did you ask me if I had had previous service if you consider me a liar right off the bat?!?!?! Oh, and while you are at it, this order won't be placed until you call for your 911 Permit. HUH? What is THAT? Okay. So I called the local number she provided, talked to another young lady who apparently just changed the owner name of the house in her 911 Service database and who asked me to call them back once I had a home phone number so they could add that. Right. Look for my call. Are you going to notify the electric company to release the order so I can have service?!?!? Yes. Okay.

(Blood Pressure has begun rising by this point.)

3) The real fun begins. Welcome to the water/sewer/garbage department which is city-owned and operated. The very nice young lady there advises I must go to the department IN PERSON, provide an ID, and pay a $50 deposit (which, by the way, I will never see again unless I happen to move out of the city in my lifetime). My question: What if I am not IN your city at this time (which I was... I was just curious!) and will not be until my closing date?!? Oh... no problem. We can get your service turned on that same afternoon if you are in our office before 2:30 p.m. SWELL!! Whatever. So, after showering and dressing as an adult, I trot my bottom right on down to City Hall (where the water department is located) to complete the transaction. I will be needing water, after all. The young lady at the window completes about four lines of a form (my name, service address, turn-on date, and something else I can't recall), fills in three blanks at the lower right of the same form (deposit $40, something fee $10, total $50), and tells me we're done! YAY!! That was easy!! NOT!! Well, we're not REALLY done until she gets the $50. I have a debit card. No problem... except they do NOT ACCEPT DEBIT AND/OR CREDIT CARDS at the water department!!! WHAT?!?!?!? You're kidding me!!! Nope. They do not have "the equipment" to do so (and I bit my tongue to keep from asking if it were physical or mental equipment she was referring to!). There is a bank ATM across the way. Yes, I am aware of that. I pull cash from my billfold, throw two $20s and a $10 through the window, and stand waiting for my receipt. (Remember... the form completed is merely an order form.) She looks at me like a deer already hit by the headlights wondering what is coming next. I tell her I am waiting for my receipt. She tells me the form is my receipt. I tell her there is NOTHING on that form indicating payment has been received and, since I had just handed over $50 in cash, I wanted a receipt. She stood stunned... tased by the thought of something no one ever requests. I felt sorry for her at that point and told her she could just write "Paid Cash" on the form along with her signature or even just initials! She did that, appearing now more like a Stepford Wife than ever. Poor thing. I hope she was able to work the rest of the day. It is doubtful.

4) Cable/Internet/Phone. So, I checked this out online before calling the toll-free number. Thought I was pretty well prepared. Uh-Uh. Get a rep on the phone who begins telling me about offers that do not correlate to the offers I am viewing online for this service area. Decide to not throw him like the water lady and just asked if I could set up service to be provided as of May 1st. Checking the service address, he advises he cannot as the current owners have yet to call in a disconnect. He did put me on hold and call them to ask them to submit a disconnect request for the future date but they did not answer so we were still unable to accomplish anything. I decided to go to the local office (yes, Virginia, there is an actual local office) to chat with a "live" person about my options, the process, etc. I arrived about 1:15 p.m. to find that the local office closes between 12:30 pm and 1:30 pm daily. Sigh. I'll wait in the parking lot. When we finally were allowed in (there were others waiting in the parking lot with me), I spoke with a very nice young man who took all of my information, confirmed that a disconnect request had been placed, and who assured me he will set the order on his calendar to handle on 4/29 which should allow scheduling for May 1st to "install" the phone service. (The current owners have only internet service with them.) Okay. I'm going to just take that on faith. Wonder when I will actually have cable/internet/phone service at my new address? Any bets?

Lord help us. I called the spousal-unit who is my grounding mechanism. His words of wisdom: "Remember where you are." He is so right. I am so accustomed to the "city" ways, I get thrown when things are handled in the "little town" way. I have to remember. I will click my ruby-red slipper heels together each time I am called upon to do any business here and say "I want to go to a city... I want to go to a city." Sigh.

Well, that's it for today. I'm worn out and probably need a nap!! The Utility Dance has been far too difficult for me and I am exhausted. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and everything will be in place and working properly. Yeah. That's it. I can dream, right?

Until next post...